An ex should not still be able to wreck your mood from another place.
Yet sometimes all it takes is one message.
You are fine. Then your phone lights up and there it is: a dig, an accusation, some unnecessary comment wrapped around a perfectly ordinary question about the children.
If you are co-parenting, you may have to stay in contact. That does not mean your ex gets unrestricted access to your peace.
Start with the obvious one: mute the chat.
If there is no emergency, you do not need to respond the second they decide to contact you. Read messages when you are ready to deal with them, not halfway through dinner because your phone buzzed.
Then learn to separate the useful part of the message from the rubbish around it.
If he writes:
“You are selfish as usual. What time am I collecting the children?”
Do not send an essay proving you are not selfish.
But do not ignore the insult either.
Reply:
“Do not speak to me like that. Keep the messages to arrangements for the children. Collection is at 5pm.”
Done.
If he keeps going, you do not need a new argument.
“I have already asked you to keep the messages respectful.”
Then stop.
That is very different from letting somebody walk all over you. You have addressed the behaviour. You simply have not donated the next two hours of your life to it.
Keep important communication in writing. If there are repeated insults, changes to arrangements, threats or problems around the children, save the messages somewhere. Evidence is useful. Rereading it at midnight is not.
It also helps to keep contact in one place. You do not need arguments arriving through WhatsApp, missed calls, email and somebody’s auntie acting as an unofficial courier.
And remember what co-parenting actually means.
Your ex may need to know when the children are being collected.
They do not need a report on your private life.
If your former partner was controlling, manipulative or showed strong narcissistic behaviour during the relationship, ending the relationship does not necessarily end the behaviour. Sometimes it just changes where it arrives from.
You may not be able to change them.
You can change how much of your day they are allowed to take.
Habibti xx Reads the Room.
Read the message. Deal with what matters. Set the boundary.
Then put the phone down.
Your ex already had enough of your time.